Will i survive?

I am stuck in my chair thinking what to write for tonight.

I feel being left out from friends and some other things a normal mid-adult person should have been experiencing and doing to enjoy life. I feel terrible and lonely. My love ones are falling apart (misunderstandings, break-ups, separations), friends died, loved one will be away for a while, misunderstanding with a close friend and a health that is undoubtedly been corrupting my mind.

A friend of mine past away at the age of 22, he was a good guy; smart;witty and has a lot of plans for his family. I wasn't able to hang with him that much since high school including her sister who happens to be my bff during those years. Now i felt so unsure on how to react on this situations. the truth is I was saddened by the news, my friend's death at an early age, very very young. THis made me more depressed this day.

just this evening......

I confided to a close friend of mine regarding my relationship with a guy i am with.Long distance i may say.

Legal stuff like marriage and annulment, there was a sort of misunderstanding between our conversation in chat, just by a simple word i said or use and it sounded like i wasn't serious for her. she mocked me a lot of things which drain my tears down to the floor.I wasn't expecting her to say those stuff to me like i wasn't serious or whatsoever.

She thought that i don't care whats going on with my boyfriend and his intention towards me just because i said a wrong answer or a comment about an issue or an advice i was seeking from her. I told her if she only knew how much i care for my boyfriend and at the back of my mind says that for me i would support him no matter what and whatever decision he may decide in the future. I wasn't finish yet when she said a lot of things that hurt me so much. She doesn't even know how i feel towards him and my plans for our future. She said I should back out and stop this things if i wasn't serious enough just because i said a shitty answer that i would blame to my condition that i was drowsy since i have hard cough and febrile. She even advised me to step back and think, does she even know how my boyfriend and i talk at night and discuss our future? does she even know how much i would sacrifice just to be with him? Does she even know how religiously i come online at nights and be with the man i love? we'll enough of this, i am having a hard day and the least i want to pay attention to is not this. This is my life and i know how to live it.

Will i survive this? i will be alone more often soon since my bf will be away for a while to work, who will i confined to that my friend is not even getting my point why i was too negative at stuff and just say much things about me without apprehension, or even hearing me out?

i know i suck on explaining myself to other people not because I don't care but because i just let it be to avoid further subjects to be arguing about. I don't have to tell everything just because i needed a correct answer but instead a relevant and humane answer.

Will you pray that i'll survive 20 more months before we finally see what really lies beyond these trials of being away?..

I am writing so you know what i feel today if i may not be able to tell you this. I will wait for you, please be back very soon so I don't have to sheer on words

on how i feel towards this silly issues of mine.

TIll then,

take care for me

love you

Lab Day

few days back i had my laboratory at hi-precision. I had to wake up early but prior to that i had 12 hours fasting so imagine waiting for your number to be called while your stomach is getting cranky inside. Lol

This lab test are to determine by irregularity on my thyroid and sugar level. SO anyways to cut the story short. After the lab i am just so happy to announce that my thyroid issues or goiter problem is already resolve. ITs negative. Sugar level is normal and so on. But i have to eat more fish though to have my good cholesterol level up. Thats all for now. Just sharing.. GRIN FACE

out of boredom

Lately been addicted to playing games online

viaje del alimento

Had my medical check up today at chong hua medical arts center with my new endocrinologist.

the line wasn't that long so i didn't have a problem when i got there. To summarize everything i was given some lab test for further testing on my condition which is my thyroid problem. So most probably tomorrow at 6am , I'll be at the laboratory to have some test run! fasting it is.

After my check up, my company and i went to Chowking and grab some halo-halo oh la la.

refreshing and super cold treats to beat the summer heat, I need more and want some more.

I ordered halo halo fiesta with two scoops of ice cream. I so want to order more if i had more money to buy.

I also bought this halo halo radio which cost Php 179.00. I so love the design it looks so real and yummy. I haven't tried it on yet because i still have to grab some batteries. It's a multi purpose radio because i think it could also play some mp3. So if u happen to have an mp3 player , you can just plug it in there and it will play. COol right? the size of this radio is actually the same with the real size halo halo takeouts. So what are u waiting for? grab some now

Haiz i want more halo halo, any sponsors? haha. i wish.

btw HALO HALO is also known as FILIPINO MIXED FRUIT DESSERT.

till then` ciao

Come and GO

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.

I am in between lonely and in solitude.

why?

The person i love will be away for a while.

not because we both want to

but he have to

for the future and whatever best it may serve.

I am isolated.

i am scared, i am in paranoia.

i have already realized your worth but what more if you will be away.

I will truly miss you.

I hope this paranoia won't last forever

i hope you will stay still holding my hand

my head in your shoulders

my luscious lips on your lips

and a warm embrace

that won't let us apart.

For now you can come and go

but i'll be here waiting for you still.

Love you and take good care of yourself.

i will sheer my thoughts in words for you to know How much it means to be loved by "me"

I always unintentionally push people away

Just this night i was streaming a movie online and focused watching "the back up plan".

Okey a short synopsis for the movie for a heads up

The Back-up Plan is a comedy that explores dating, love, marriage and family in reverse.

After years of dating, Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) has decided waiting for the right one is taking too long. Determined to become a mother, she commits to a plan, makes an appointment and decides to go it alone. That same day, Zoe meets Stan (Alex OLoughlin) a man with real possibilities.

Trying to nurture a budding relationship and hide the early signs of pregnancy becomes a comedy of errors for Zoe and creates confusing signals for Stan. When Zoe nervously reveals the reason for her unpredictable behavior, Stan commits fully and says hes in. Never before has love seen a courtship where a wild night of sex involves three in a bed Stan, Zoe and the ever-present massive pregnancy pillow. Or, where date night consists of being the focal point at a near-strangers water birth which does for kiddie pools what Jaws did for swimming in the ocean. The real pregnancy test comes when both of them realize that they really dont know each other outside of hormonal chaos and birth preparations. With the nine month clock ticking, both begin to experience cold feet. Anyone can fall in love, get married and have a baby but doing it backwards in hyper-drive could be proof positive that they were made for each other.

Zoe's a woman who has a hard time letting anyone into her life. She has a habit of pushing people away when they get close. She also wants to have a baby but because she has no man in her life decides to be artificially inseminated. Shortly after having the procedure she meets a guy named Stan whom she connects with. But she's still afraid to let him in and when she tells him about her pregnancy thinking he would bail but he sticks with her. Written by rcs0411@yahoo.com

SO back to my open diary. Well i have been watching it while streaming thanks to my fast internet connection that i was able to watch it smoothly. I learned a lot from the movie and it struck me, it stuck me big time reflecting myself to that movie. Jennifer Lopez in the movie is the type of person who is afraid to let the people in and pushes her love ones away, has trust issues and so do i. Boy it hit me hard. It was really like me. Om em gee i can't believe it. I am so paranoid right now trying to write this because i felt like that movie was made for me.

Seriously why do i push people away? Is it about the past? The people who curse? Who hurt? Who betrayed? Me.

I realized that i unintentionally been very negative for the past years. I was bitter to myself, crap im crying, but for real i was so bitter on myself, how did i live the past 5 years of my life? I will be 25 this year and i wan't to bail. I want out, out of this misery and out of this negativism. I will try to trust people amidst the risk of getting hurt back. I will let them prove themselves and let them in. yes i will do this because I am in-love with a guy whom i don't want to lose anymore. I am afraid to be alone, I want a family, I want children at most.

IT will be rough and people for sure will hate me but i don't care anymore

I want to be happy , i want my last 5 years back spending it with the guy i am in-love with

for more 5 years and decades to come. I am considering of changing my outlook in life to a better one. I want to be optimistic this time. I want to bare , i want to be nude. I want to be blunt. Oh i guess i will. wish me luck!!

Here some tips i saw online to improve myself to the rest out there seeking answers why and how they became pessimistic about life.

1. Seriously learn to love yourself. Write out the crazy things you love, hate, feel annoyed by and be honest about the things you do that others love, hate and get annoyed by! Once you figure those things out stop doing the annoying shit.

2. When someone says they like, love, respect, enjoy you...accept it! If you act like you don't deserve praise and love over and over people will take you seriously and leave. No one wants to invest time in a self-loather. You deserve love and good people deserve to be in your glorious presence! Let them in and believe the compliments they offer dumb-ass.

3. Stop waiting for people to disappoint you. Accept that some people will hurt you but also… many will not, that is life but if you let fear keep you from trying to see the good in people then you will miss out on some real gems!

4. Stop the "negative-brain dialogue" about how nothing good will happen and how all people are the same. If you tell yourself that only losers will like you then it is the losers that will come your way! They can hear your negative thoughts and will descend upon you like thirsty vampires. STOP IT NOW because being with a soul-sucker is no fun!

5. Act attractive and you will attract positive people....smile damn you!

Connecting please connect

I have always wanted to have my own line from pldt dsl because in that way i don't have to share my computer with other people. So the other day i was out trying to find out answers on how much would it cost me to have my own line of dsl on my room.

It was a very hot afternoon when i decided to pay a visit to PLDT jones here in cebu. Got there 3:51pm exactly and had my number from the security guard. It was very cold and cozy inside. The waiting area was so comfy; i would want to lie on it. I was waiting for my number to be called in the customer service area and it took more than a hour before i was called. Sigh what a tiring wait to think that they have 4 to 5 customer service representative available in there and less than 20 customers to cater concerns, bills, queries and so on. So to cut the long story short, they were slow, some CSR would go to the other room and would go back 15minutes after then the next one will follow. I get it maybe they are having there snacks or break but still I don't get it, they are pretty much slow. I also saw a couple who was complaining about their installation thingy and stuff and would call the people on the technical staff to deal with it. What the heck? These are just based on my observation, i do know they are doing their job but i just didn't see there system right that day.

What's more horrible is when my number waws called and had my queries ask, i heard a very disappointing answer. That if ever you want to have a new line of dsl you have sign up for the fone also.. SO it was okey for me, of course how would the dsl run without the fone right so okey fine... But when i ask if its free i was told that it wasn't and whoaalaah its php 2,300 if i heard it right. OH EM GEE it was expensive i thought it was free. Now what will i do? i need my connection cause i'll be working my ass off for the next months of a productive VA career. Yikes i have to hit the sack now and stop writing i might end up talking non sense just to have something to blog for tonight, but actually i am watching a movie so i have to really stop now. ENGOT noh? hehe

Till then my open diary

Half Crazy-ish

You get to see yourself crazy and blinded when your in love.

I've seen myself half crazy before, super depressed and super hurt.

i felt like that world came crash on me.

But then again we learn a lot of things in life and about it.

we live and love everyday.

it hurts but we remain to live with it repeatedly.

A friend of mine came by just to express how she felt about how her heart got broken by a younger guy she's been with for 6months. They have been in a on and off relationship which i already predicted even before that won't last long. It wasn't third party why they broke up , it was actually just a lame shallow excuse from the guy just to get away from the relationship. IT sucks, it really sucks seeing my friend cried that much, i felt her and i don't want that to happen to me or ever to her again. but I am glad it happened anyways so my friend would live her life on her own now without other people using her. She has a lot to be proud of, her kids and her friends, her work, her great attitude in life and of course her beauty. TO you my friend, i hope this time you won't settle for less, i wished this time its really over. YOu deserve someone more better. I love you truly and please do take care.

For you mahal, I don't know how to not love you, I only know how to not let you go

I hope this won't ever happen to us. THROUGH THICK & THIN ha?

this song is dedicated to my friend for today man lang!! cried it over and smile tomorrow

Election Day 2010

Yikes!!! grrrr TOday is one of the most tiring & stressful day of the TIGER YEAR. Today is the day to cast our votes for the next president, one who will preside, who sits in leadership directly as elected for a six-year term by popular vote of majority. As the country's head of government, in most countries the president is entitled to certain perquisites, and may have a prestigious residence; often a lavish mansion or palace, sometimes more than one house and luxury.

Will the next president perform his/her duty as the leader of the REPUBLIC OF THE PHILIPPINES without doubt that corruption, poverty, famine and war will be solved?.

I have seen tons of advertisement flashing on Chat relay machines such as messenger and as well as social networks engines (friendster, facebook, twitter and etc.) and its really annoying on how they market themselves on ads. People make fun of every ads they advertise just for popularity sake.

How much did they spent on those advertisement and ads?How would they earn back what they spent? hmmm..im Tired to talk more about this hideous business of them.

anyways

Started lining up for my precinct and it took us almost 4 hours on waiting.

How dirty should we get? so dusty
my precinct number and priority number

my cousin and I


My sister and her husband on the other side of voting center
my brother was already called good for him priority number 500plus


at last vote casted at 7pm. indelible ink it is. time to go home.. weeeeWin or lose I AM FOR "gibo" go green. kaming wlang kibo ay kay gibo.

Happy Mother's Day Ma

Saying "I love you" to our mothers during special days like mother's day are one of the few most awaited occasion for a mother and the children. It is when we give merits to our mom for all the things they did to raise us well and to be a good person there is in the community. But i Realize that it doesn't have to be mother's day for me to tell my mama/mom how much she means to me and how i appreciate everything she does for me and my siblings, Any occasion or any day is mother's day. So Ma, As much as i keep my mouth shut at times, i hope u feel by my sweet little silly talks or thoughts i was able to express to you how much i appreciate everything you did for me before and 'till now. I am so proud to be your daughter. I LOVE YOU truly ma.

A mother's day message to all the mom's

How did you find the energy, Mom

To do all the things you did,

To be teacher, nurse and counselor

To me, when I was a kid.

How did you do it all, Mom,

Be a chauffeur, cook and friend,

Yet find time to be a playmate,

I just can't comprehend.

I see now it was love, Mom

That made you come whenever I'd call,

Your inexhaustible love, Mom

And I thank you for it all.

and another one

Ma,
We wish we could tell you,
Ma that how much you mean to us....
We have no words to say about
how much we appreciate you...
how much we admire you...
how much we thank you
for everything you've done.
We love you so much Ma...
Happy Mother's Day
Love EJ

So what are you waiting for? greet your mom's now before its too late.

I hope you like the cake ma.