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Saturday, May 31, 2008

joke time

Ang mga Bisaya di ko maintindihan English nila.
English ng isda... pis.
English ng mukha... pis.
Ng pandikit... pis.
Ng kapayapaan.. . pis.
Tinanong pa ako kung saan ako nakatira... Pis 1 o Pis 2?

(in a cabinet meeting ...)
GMA: oshige ... kung shino man ang tamaan ng bola na
'to ay siyang magre-reshign
(initsa ang bola, tumalbog pabalik sa kanya ...)
GMA: o ... praktish lang un noh? ulet!

Director: "Sir, we have to do something with our
population program. A woman gives birth every 30
seconds here in the Philippines . ..
Erap: "Ha?, you're right...FIND THAT WOMAN!!!"

Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang
syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you
a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4
apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!

BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema MO lang, problema NATIN
dahil nagmamahalan tayo.ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis NATIN si inday at TAYO ang ama

Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants
ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare, ako nanalo!!!

Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po
naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang!

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko
basag ang bungo!

Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH! !!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25
years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria

1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...

1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!

In a pet shop...
Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!

Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng
Mga bakla: okey lang po father..dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide! !!

Untold Story No. 4

At a tender age of 17, Marcial was a war correspondent for The Manila Times.. Marcial's war experience provided him with a treasure chest of stories which inspired him to write a movie screenplay. His screenplay was made into a movie, starring Jaime de la Rosa and a 16- year old actress named Dorothy.. Helmed by renowned director Lamberto Avellana, the movie was a huge success. During the first FAMAS award ceremony in 1952, Dorothy received the first FAMAS trophy for best supporting actress for her role in the movie.

The only child of a US soldier and a Filipina, Dorothy was also a
semi-finalist in the 1952 Miss Philippines beauty contest. It was
therefore not surprising that Marcial got so enamored with Dorothy that he did everything to court her. Marcial even carried Dorothy's make-up kit during movie shootings. Marcial became Dorothy's dakilang alalay.

Dorothy studied pre-Law at the University of Santo Tomas but her booming movie career made it impossible for her to continue.

Likewise, Marcial took up Law at the University of the Philippines
but the lure of journalism ended his dream of becoming a lawyer.

Marcial became known for his gift of gab and political skill. This
led to his victory as a town mayor at a young age of 22. Meanwhile, Dorothy became popular for her acting prowess and dancing skill. This led to her victory in several acting derbies. Marcial's younger sister was the director of the movie which won for Dorothy her last FAMAS best supporting actress award.

But while Philippine politics and show business naturally intertwine, political kingpin Marcial and movie queen Dorothy were not destined to be together.

Dorothy married a man named Victorino who fathered her only daughter.

But their union did not last. After a series of unsuccessful
relationships, Dorothy finally tied the knot again with an American B-movie actor-singer. In contrast, Marcial remained faithfully married all his life to an American-educated woman who bore his only son and four daughters.

But while Marcial survived the Korean War which he covered, he did not survive the war on the home front. Likewise, Dorothy did not survive her own war at home.

Both Marcial and Dorothy suffered violent deaths. Marcial was shot.

Dorothy was stabbed several times.

Committed 18 years apart, the separate murders of Marcial and Dorothy made headlines several years ago. However, both murders remained unsolved to this day. Some say that identifying their killers is not the issue because everyone, except the authorities, seems to know the identity of their respective killers. Rumors even abound that the masterminds in the murders of Marcial and Dorothy were related to them by affinity. But the real mystery lies in the fact that the perpetrators of these high-profile crimes remain scot-free to this day, despite the enormous clout which the victims' respective family wields.

Some say that Marcial's death was a result of his being branded a communist by the government. This is ironic because the screenplay which Marcial wrote and which won for Dorothy her first FAMAS trophy was the second in a trilogy of anti-communist movies which were produced by LVN Pictures in support of the government's efforts to fight communism.

Dorothy's shocking death led to embarrassing revelations about her painful personal battle. Marcial's equally shocking death led to well-deserved recognition of his heroic political battle.

Dorothy was killed amid rows of cars in the covered and dark parking lot of the Movie and Television Review and Classification Board(MTRCB) building. Despite his escorts, Marcial was killed amid rows of airplanes in a wide open space in broad daylight while descending down the tarmac of what was then known as the Manila International Airport (MIA).

Of course, we all know Dorothy as Dolphy's TV wife, Marsha.

And we all know Marcial as Cory's real-life husband, Ninoy.

Yes, Dorothy Jones was the real name of Nida Blanca.

And yes, Marcial Bonifacio was the fictitious name on the passport of Benigno Aquino, Jr. on the day that he was murdered.

And you know the rest of their stories.