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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Will i survive?

I am stuck in my chair thinking what to write for tonight.
I feel being left out from friends and some other things a normal mid-adult person should have been experiencing and doing to enjoy life. I feel terrible and lonely. My love ones are falling apart (misunderstandings, break-ups, separations), friends died, loved one will be away for a while, misunderstanding with a close friend and a health that is undoubtedly been corrupting my mind.

A friend of mine past away at the age of 22, he was a good guy; smart;witty and has a lot of plans for his family. I wasn't able to hang with him that much since high school including her sister who happens to be my bff during those years. Now i felt so unsure on how to react on this situations. the truth is I was saddened by the news, my friend's death at an early age, very very young. THis made me more depressed this day.

just this evening......
I confided to a close friend of mine regarding my relationship with a guy i am with.Long distance i may say.
Legal stuff like marriage and annulment, there was a sort of misunderstanding between our conversation in chat, just by a simple word i said or use and it sounded like i wasn't serious for her. she mocked me a lot of things which drain my tears down to the floor.I wasn't expecting her to say those stuff to me like i wasn't serious or whatsoever.
She thought that i don't care whats going on with my boyfriend and his intention towards me just because i said a wrong answer or a comment about an issue or an advice i was seeking from her. I told her if she only knew how much i care for my boyfriend and at the back of my mind says that for me i would support him no matter what and whatever decision he may decide in the future. I wasn't finish yet when she said a lot of things that hurt me so much. She doesn't even know how i feel towards him and my plans for our future. She said I should back out and stop this things if i wasn't serious enough just because i said a shitty answer that i would blame to my condition that i was drowsy since i have hard cough and febrile. She even advised me to step back and think, does she even know how my boyfriend and i talk at night and discuss our future? does she even know how much i would sacrifice just to be with him? Does she even know how religiously i come online at nights and be with the man i love? we'll enough of this, i am having a hard day and the least i want to pay attention to is not this. This is my life and i know how to live it.

Will i survive this? i will be alone more often soon since my bf will be away for a while to work, who will i confined to that my friend is not even getting my point why i was too negative at stuff and just say much things about me without apprehension, or even hearing me out?

i know i suck on explaining myself to other people not because I don't care but because i just let it be to avoid further subjects to be arguing about. I don't have to tell everything just because i needed a correct answer but instead a relevant and humane answer.

Will you pray that i'll survive 20 more months before we finally see what really lies beyond these trials of being away?..

I am writing so you know what i feel today if i may not be able to tell you this. I will wait for you, please be back very soon so I don't have to sheer on words
on how i feel towards this silly issues of mine.

TIll then,
take care for me
love you